Conundrum

What I mean is that the foundational problem for me here is that I am too disconnected from the beneficiaries. Remember the idea of immediate gratification?

This statement comes from several different angles:

1) As a Log one of my responsibilities is to be the sober-second thought. I must question expenditures and demand justifications for requests both in supply, construction and finance. This narrows my vision to the administration. It also makes me the ogre in the process of helping folks. And ya know how much I validate my own self-worth on "I aim to please".

Lately I have been much less concerned about being the sober-second thought around here because it causes so much tension. Since the PC here, in my opinion, does not take a strong enough role in creating vision and setting boundaries of what is possible and what is beyond the logframe my questions are met with derision and I am singled out as the lone wolf trying to prevent people from doing their job. The irony here is that this resultant effect has led our management team to believe I am not doing a good enough job here as our security is lax, our vehicle use (and passenger/cargo guidelines)almost completely disregarded, our Thuraya email download cost has jumped from 700USD per month to 1600USD per month for example. I am singled out again as the problem in an otherwise functioning project it seems. But really, who is the visionary in a project?

2) I am not seeing results. I spend too much time cooped up inside the compound doing my job and filling requests and struggling with HR and attending meetings that the things I supply and the things I construct are not occurring in front of and to the joyous outcry of our beneficiaries. I do not receive the immediate feedback that the struggle with filling drug orders when the warehouseman decides to go on vacation is actually saving a life or alleviating suffering. A ‘joyous outcry’ may be a bit much but you get the point.

By the weekend I am so exhausted that I don't get out of base. I sleep, read, shave and cut my toe-nails. But mostly sleep. And watch movies for distraction. This exacerbates the isolation as my horizon here is limited by the falling-down bamboo fence which encircles the base. Somalia was supposed to be hard, but here we work AND sleep inside the same compound and this creates more of a jail-like situation. We live in a western bubble here - TV, drinks, popcorn, books and just on the other side of the fence is a one-meal-a-day family who has no lights, no clothes, no mosquito netting and play the drum for entertainment while the 4 year-old carries water on his head. We expats are like fish in a bowl to our national staff and neighbours. The knowledge that there is this difference is oppressive, yet I cannot seem to leave the bowl - not out of avoidance but due to exhaustion.

Also exhausting is the question: are we achieving the mandate or are we just offending folks?